I think about the homework I must prepare for the EMDR treatment. We have pulled out the cluster of similar core beliefs related to all the traumatic events of my life. I might as well say what they are, as you may be curious. The overarching themes are vulnerability, dismissal, future existence, abuse of power, …
Say Something: Pt 8 The Worth of Statements— I told the detectives and prosecutor I really didn’t know when everything happened. They said to just write on the witness statement what I remember. I had to make a statement.
Years before that courtroom, perhaps when I am sixteen or seventeen and Brenda two years younger, the years hazy from our timeless way of life, Brenda ostensibly broke our silence about our father’s sexual assault of us.
My father could raise his voice when he was angry or lecturing but he also knew how to whisper so quietly and secretly to me that no one in the room knew the terrible things he spoke to me.
Say Something: Pt 3 The Worth of Voice—Suddenly, I turn, back to the door. I have never felt so alone and helpless or that the world is so large and scary. For the first time, I see this huge world beyond my family. It isn’t safe.
Say Something Pt 1: The Worth of Rape—I just want to get out of this dark room into daylight and away from everything that courtroom represents.
My hold on reality is tenuous at times. I roll up in my sheets, comforter, and pillow, wrapping my arms around me. I don't know how I fell asleep—fearful of his coming, down the hall, through the door, and for me.